My Little Winkleman

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winkle
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Dec 08, 2014 2:30 pm

My Little Winkleman

Post by winkle » Tue Dec 23, 2014 11:04 am

Perry Winkle was 15 and had gone from a robust 12 pounds to 9.5 over two years. He had partial seizures starting around age 6. They progressed slowly from a few a year, to, a couple a month this past July, and more by November. Because of his high liver values he was prescribed Keppra and one week later Zonisamide. Seizures increased. The same pattern of seizing, but he was becoming more growly and at night was tossing and turning if you will. He would even whimper the last few nights. On the 22nd I was faced with a ten hour drive with him. He had two seizures before we were to leave. I couldn't see it fair to subject his old painful body to this, or to me. I put him to sleep at my friends house and now I am in such pain. He was all I had. My only child used to say how sad it would be when he died and then she was killed in a car crash at 16. How do I go on? How do I know I did right by him? In between sleeping and seizures he ate well, batted his ball around even though he was almost blind, barked, and curled up next to me. No one is staring at me all day anymore. I start to sleep and immediately have dreams of him and wake up. Even if I find out I didn't do the right thing there is no bringing him back. He went everywhere with me for 15 years, even work. It's like I lost my soul.

Gentle Jacob's mom
Posts: 925
Joined: Thu Mar 04, 2010 10:52 am

Re: My Little Winkleman

Post by Gentle Jacob's mom » Tue Dec 23, 2014 8:59 pm

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a hard time. You did everything you could do. You put your fear of being without Perry Winkle's aside and did what was best for her. That shows just how much you loved her and that's all we can do.
I hope you can find peace with this someday.
Please take care,
Lynne

ShilohsMom
Posts: 818
Joined: Tue Nov 12, 2013 1:42 pm
Location: Oklahoma

Re: My Little Winkleman

Post by ShilohsMom » Tue Dec 23, 2014 9:08 pm

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't imagine the loss of child, but do know the loss of a hairy baby. I lost one of my non-epis a few months ago who was my heart dog. You could of driven a semi through the gaping hole in my heart. It does get better but it's so hard getting through the days to the day that you can make it at least 2 hours without crying. Then to a day where we can actually talked about our baby and laugh at something goofy they did. It just sucks getting through the days that lead up to that.

I admire you for making such an unselfish decision. I tell people it's one of the hardest decisions to make. I'm sure if Perry Winkle could of talked he would of thanked you for giving him a great life and not giving up on him. To have a dog live to 15 especially with seizures is a testament to the love & care they received. There are so may people who give away their dog because it's inconvenient, has health issues or they just don't want to be bothered.

Hang in there it will get better. My thoughts & prayers are with you.
Colleen, Rylie, Sophie & angels Izzie & Shiloh
DOB: 11/11/05
First seizure: 07/28//10
Last seizure: 06/27/16

Gentle Jacob's mom
Posts: 925
Joined: Thu Mar 04, 2010 10:52 am

Re: My Little Winkleman

Post by Gentle Jacob's mom » Wed Dec 24, 2014 7:15 am

I want to apologize for thinking Perry Winkle was a girl. And I also wanted to say that I'll be checking in on the site over the Christmas holiday if you need to talk.

Lynne

winkle
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Dec 08, 2014 2:30 pm

Re: My Little Winkleman

Post by winkle » Thu Dec 25, 2014 2:08 pm

Thank you for posting. I should know how it gets better. I just feel like don't have the strength but I guess I do. I can't stop replaying the goodbye. The eye contact. His big personality just gone. You all get through it though. My body hurts.

ShilohsMom
Posts: 818
Joined: Tue Nov 12, 2013 1:42 pm
Location: Oklahoma

Re: My Little Winkleman

Post by ShilohsMom » Thu Dec 25, 2014 2:41 pm

I feel for you and really wish I could make it better. You will get through this, it will take time, which sometimes seems like it just won't ever get here but it does. I think it's safe to say that everyone on this board can truly feel your pain and know the heartache of losing a best friend.

It's hard enough any time of the year, but can't imagine Christmas and feeling like you have to put on a happy face for those around you. I know when I had to let Izzie go a few months ago, my heart literally hurt. I wanted one more day, but knew that it wouldn't of been fair to her and couldn't guarantee that she would of held on the rest of the weekend. I held her as she went and it's hard not to focus on that but glad I could be with her. For me, I try to put negative thoughts away and try to find the blessing in letting her go so that she didn't suffer any longer, especially knowing her situation would not of improved. I can find some measure of comfort knowing I gave her the best life I could and loved her with my whole heart. I'm sure you've done the same for Perry Winkle. I believe with all my being that they know how much we love them and that everything we do for them is because of that love.

Take each day one at a time, come here as often as you need. We're here for you.
Colleen, Rylie, Sophie & angels Izzie & Shiloh
DOB: 11/11/05
First seizure: 07/28//10
Last seizure: 06/27/16

Gentle Jacob's mom
Posts: 925
Joined: Thu Mar 04, 2010 10:52 am

Re: My Little Winkleman

Post by Gentle Jacob's mom » Thu Dec 25, 2014 3:08 pm

I think no matter when we have to let out fur kids go we'll always wonder if we did the right thing. The thing is, being their parent you know when they're in pain, and you know when it's time to let them go. It's just trying to tell your heart that it was the right thing that just doesn't seem to work. Once we lost four of our fur babies within six months. I literally couldn't move because I hurt so much. It still hurts when I think about them, but I really do know now that we did our best for them and that it was time.
Allow yourself all the time you need to grieve and come here when you need to.
You're not alone.
Take Care,
Lynne

winkle
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Dec 08, 2014 2:30 pm

Re: My Little Winkleman

Post by winkle » Fri Dec 26, 2014 4:31 pm

I guess I was lucky in that his seizures were controlled until the last 2 months of his red, curly, little life. Because he also had liver/pancreas issues, we forego meds until this past November. Naturally I am now second guessing this for myself. Everything else was great. No heart murmur, no respiratory or digestive issues, he could walk, bark and played with his little neon ball before eating. He slept more of course. He started to urinate without totally knowing it. His teeth hurt making it hard to eat. About a month ago all of a sudden his paws blew up and he had to get a steroid shot. No known reason. His seizures were always the same, but they started to happen when he woke up in the morning or from a nap. One day he had four. A vet said he was in pain and put him on Tramadol and upped the Zonisamide. He seemed perkier but at night he couldn't get comfortable. He stopped licking his paws. Ohhhh I just want to know I didn't make him go too soon...

MK's mom
Posts: 1708
Joined: Wed Mar 01, 2006 9:48 am
Location: Michigan

Re: My Little Winkleman

Post by MK's mom » Sat Dec 27, 2014 10:29 am

They're no different than humans who get very old...one thing goes and it's like a domino effect, it's one thing after the other. Your little guy lived a very long life, but they're never with us long enough and I know how it hurt you to make that decision!

I'm so sorry for your loss, please be gentle with yourself at this time.
Nathan
3.5 yo Irish Setter boy
First seizure 7/26/2013
Last seizure 3/24/2014
__________________________________
MK
5 yo Irish Setter boy
First seizure 1/25/06
Last seizure 9/4/2009

Aug 17, 2004- Sept. 22, 2009
May the shamrocks fall softly sweetpea

ShilohsMom
Posts: 818
Joined: Tue Nov 12, 2013 1:42 pm
Location: Oklahoma

Re: My Little Winkleman

Post by ShilohsMom » Sat Dec 27, 2014 10:36 am

I completely understand the part where you're second guessing yourself. Years ago I had a Shi Zhu that I had to let go. It got to the point where he would sit on the floor panting and trembling and sometimes he would have trouble moving. It was like I could tell from his behavior that he was in pain, but he didn't yelp, cry, whine or anything else. His eating was fine and by looking at him a lot of times you really wouldn't know anything was wrong. Then one day I came home and he was sitting on the floor trembling and wouldn't move. I sat on the floor and he came over, laid his head on my lap and gave me the "look". The one that to me said he was done. I made the appointment and he walked into the vet like he was perfectly healthy. It broke my heart and I doubted what I thought I knew in my heart. When they gave him the injection, I held him and the vet had a hard time getting a vein because his blood pressure was so low. That is what I hold onto when I doubt myself because what we can see on the outside doesn't necessarily represent what is going on in the inside.

I think it's easy to second guess ourselves when we start going by what's in our head and not our heart. I'm guessing that when you made that difficult decision you knew in your heart it was the right thing to do. If you'll reread what you wrote about his pancreas/liver issues, the urinary issue, teeth hurting, the pain he was in, I'd feel pretty safe in saying that I would of made the same decision you did, because it's made with the heart of love and not the mind which is sometimes selfish.

I'm assuming that you're a strong person, how could you not be after losing a child? My heart goes out to you. You'll get through this and we're here to help you if you need it.
Colleen, Rylie, Sophie & angels Izzie & Shiloh
DOB: 11/11/05
First seizure: 07/28//10
Last seizure: 06/27/16

naomiwhite90
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Aug 11, 2014 5:24 am

Re: My Little Winkleman

Post by naomiwhite90 » Thu Jan 15, 2015 10:13 pm

Feeling sad to hear about your loss :(
From: Michael Wren

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